The Power of Being Seen

A friend once asked me to spontaneously share the first childhood memory that came to mind. Rather than a favorite toy or excursion, what I thought of first was not looking like all the other kids.  Specifically, having grown up in a largely homogenous community of people who did not look like me, I have distinct memories of standing in front of the mirror willing myself to look more like my peers and feeling frustrated that I did not blend in. 

In retrospect, I suppose the reason I wanted to blend in was multi-factorial.  To an extent, I think I wanted to be seen for my behaviors, values, and personal merit rather than the more obvious visual representation of my physical appearance.  Paradoxically, being seen and standing out, particularly for accomplishments and contributions, tends to run contrary to the common and deeply ingrained Asian cultural influence of humility.  Regardless, as a child and teenager lacking the experience to be able to articulate this at the time, I ended up subjugating much of the ethnic influence and experiences that contributed to the intersectionality and sum of who I was in favor of assimilating. 

By sharing this particular memory, it is my intent to set some context for this article and to provoke others to reflect about what it means to “be seen”.  This can be a complex concept to navigate but in the context of the workplace, being seen contributes to building the type of culture that values the contributions of individuals, each with their own intersectionality and personal sense of purpose.

For those who are more comfortable with the concrete, objective, and measurable, this topic may be somewhat of a departure by nature of its inherently subjective and more abstract nature.  Here goes…

What Does It Mean to “Be Seen”?

Although the action “to see” conjures the idea of literally using one’s eyes, “to be seen” is so much more: to be understood and accepted for who you are. 

Daily, we send cues to one another that reveal something about ourselves.  Some are intentional such as what we say, how we behave, or what we wear and some are unintentional such as our physique or our racial features.  But it is all too infrequent in our busy lives that we take the time to slow down enough to truly get to know one another and learn about what drives and motivates us, what scares us or makes us happy or sad, or what we value in life and why.  (In my opinion, social media doesn’t count given the tendency we have to curate what we post that can create a distorted sense of only the best parts of who we are, what we have, or what we are doing).

It is this deeper understanding of the whole person that leads to the act of accepting others for who they truly are.

Why Does Being Seen Matter?

Many organizations set standards of how business should be conducted and expect individuals to conform, often at the cost of one’s individual values and personal sense of self and purpose. 

Regardless of whether this type of disregard for seeing people for who they are as individuals and potential contributors is intentional, this inability or lack of intention to see people breeds disengagement, discontent, and a sense of feeling under-valued and disrespected.  This manifests as lower productivity, higher turnover, and disruptive behaviors all of which create drag on your company’s performance.

In the past, I inadvertently missed the mark in this regard with some who looked to me for mentorship.  Here’s how: I used to volunteer for a community-based program that focused on coaching and developing people of Asian and LatinX backgrounds to develop professional skills and better understand Western corporate cultural norms in order to succeed and advance in their companies.  Sitting on panels and talking one-on-one with participants, I recall reciting the practice of learning the rules of the game of how to be successful in a particular business environment and then learning to love the game.  In other words, assimilate into the majority.

While certainly a practical option, years later, I felt convicted of not seeing those people for who they were but focusing on trying to help them conform to corporate cultures that did not allow space for them to be seen for the amazing and talented individuals they were, complete with diverse backgrounds and cultural experiences.  I reached out to others with ties to the program to discover that many of us were experiencing an epiphany around the same time of what it means to truly see others and celebrate differences.  Whereas the program had started with the best of intentions, it seemed to have morphed into a place for companies to send their minority employees to be “fixed” so they blended in better with the majority.  (I am happy to share that this sensitivity has since been integrated into the program and the approach has evolved to celebrate this diversity).

Truly understanding, appreciating, and accepting ourselves and others is a demonstration of respect.  We may not always be able to relate to or agree with various aspects, experiences, and opinions of others but accepting one another for who we are helps us to manage our own expectations and be more respectful in how we interact with and meet someone where they are. 

How Do We Encourage Seeing Others and Being Seen?

Although being seen is important in all aspects of our lives, in the context of the workplace, there are things you can do to enhance your ability to see others and promote this curiosity in others. 

While I have shared some of my story regarding the intersection of my ethnic background with my professional identity, you may choose to think about another dimension of what makes you who you are.  I am certain that everyone has felt unseen at some point in their career – reflect on how that made you feel and how engaged and collaborative (or not) you felt.  If you have not enjoyed the experience of feeling seen, consider how you might change this for yourself and others.

Here are some thoughts for building the type of visibility across your teams and company that supports the type of purpose-driven culture that propels companies to success. 

1. Create Safe Space to Be Vulnerable and Share Our Stories

Story telling can be a very powerful way of getting to know and see someone.  But sharing a personal anecdote can be anxiety-provoking for many.  Describing something about your past experiences (particularly the stuff that may not be “warm and fuzzy”) can lead to feeling exposed and vulnerable.  Will I be judged?  Will there be consequences now that others know this about me?  But it is this openness that can open the door for being seen.

Here are some ways to begin to cultivate safe space for people to tell their stories:

• Start Simple.  What is one thing you might share that most may not know about you.  Keep it brief and as comfortable for yourself as possible. 
• Role Model.    Take the lead in sharing first if others are hesitant.
• Acknowledge.                Thank people for sharing their stories and acknowledge the importance of being respectful about the information that has been shared.
• Read the Room. On occasion I have seen colleagues share so much so soon that it is overwhelming or intimidating to the other person.  Having feedback partners tell you how they perceived what you shared can help you and others calibrate.
• Celebrate Diversity.   Along with acknowledging and expressing appreciation for when someone shares something about themselves, setting the expectation that there is value in learning about the diverse experiences and backgrounds of others can be an effective way of creating safe space to share.

2. Proceed with Respect

For many, and in some cultures, it can be considered intrusive or rude to ask a lot of personal questions as a means of getting to know more about someone.  This may come later as people become more comfortable around one another and learn to trust that the information they share will not be held against them.

Rather than focusing exclusively on sharing stories as a way of seeing others, consider taking a step back and redirect your energy towards expressing your acknowledgement of them and their contributions by providing positive feedback in the moment or comment on something you saw them do that impressed you. 

On the matter of recognition as a means of seeing others, there are a whole host of ways that people may want to be seen and acknowledged.  Some may desire public recognition while others simply prefer a word of encouragement in private.  Paying attention to cues and, if appropriate, having an intentional conversation about how a person prefers to be recognized can be helpful.

3. See with Intention

Make time to inquire about someone’s interests or what excites them most about a particular project or assignment.  Here are some questions you can ask on a regular basis that facilitate seeing others:

• What is one thing that is working particularly well for you today?
• What are you enjoying the most about the work you are doing?
• What is one thing you might change about your work?
• What ideas do you have for me and the company for getting better?

Beyond asking the questions, remembering the answers is even more valuable.  To the extent that it is within your span of influence, responding to and following up on the ideas others may share with you can be a very powerful method of conveying to them that they are heard and seen and that their ideas matter.  Be sure to close the loop and let them know how their input had a positive impact.

4. Check Your Motives

Are you wanting to learn more about another person because you have a hidden agenda or are you genuinely curious?  One of the things I enjoy the most about meeting and working with new people is learning about seemingly ordinary people doing extraordinary things.  Extraordinary does not need to rise to the level of solving world hunger.  Maybe someone overcame a personal obstacle with grace.  The point is that you will invariably learn something interesting and often inspiring about others if you take the time to listen with openness.

5. Acknowledge the Truths of Others

If someone’s experience has taught them something with which you either disagree or that is unfamiliar to you, it does not negate the validity of their point of view.  This is an opportunity to acknowledge them where they are.  Here are some examples of letting someone know you see where they are coming from, even if you may not be able to relate:

• I cannot imagine what that must have been like for you but that sounds like it was really challenging.
• That sounds like that was an amazing experience.  I wonder how we could reproduce that?
• I can see how you might reach that conclusion.  It would be helpful for me if we could explore additional reasons.

6. Find Something with Which to Connect & Relate

One of my favorite authors is E.M. Forster, who wrote books such as Howards End, A Room with A View, and Where Angels Fear to Tread.  His novels often explore the unexpected nature of human connection and he is often credited with saying “Only connect.”  Connecting with someone over a shared or common experience can be very validating for the other person and can be a powerful acknowledgement that you have heard and see them.  

Epilogue

After spending most of my childhood and young adulthood trying to blend in, I have continued to invest time and energy, as an adult, connecting with my uniqueness and how I wish to be seen. 

Embracing the many facets of who I am has been a freeing and revealing process.  I feel more informed about what kinds of environments will better align with my values and sense of purpose.  And I am able to fuel my personal call to purpose of advocating for and supporting others in building the type of company cultures that encourage seeing and valuing individuals for who they are.  We all deserve this type of respect in the workplace and in life.

Having promoted the approaches in this article at companies where I have worked has always yielded an exponential return.  Building this type of visibility invariably cultivated a purpose-driven culture in which my colleagues felt seen and heard and we inspired and learned from each other, in ways we could not have imagined, to drive the company to success. 

The power of being seen is real and within your reach.